I don’t care much about anything.  Deliberately dispassionate reactions to the world have long divorced me from anything resembling a damn I could possibly give.  Unfortunately, it didn’t do anything to relieve me of my regrets.  Because, while I look forward into a dismal future of doing the same thing day in and day out, and can’t seem to muster up the essence of being – the will – to change my course, I look back and see every single missed opportunity and bemoan it.

It is no one’s fault but my own.

I had a discussion tonight with my partner Larry about school, to which I intend to return shortly.  I explained that I’m going back to discover that in which I might still find interest, and specifically not going back because I have a topic which rocks my world; although, the major I’ve selected certainly does interest me.  Essentially, I am going back deliberately for the “finding myself” period of college wherein a major is a priority, but not a fixed and immutable point.  This was met with abject disdain: “But you’ll be wasting your time and your money.”

My response was abrupt and ended the conversation as abruptly: “I don’t care.”

And that pretty much sums it up.  I’m going back, to a community college of all things, to start a program in foreign languages.  I have a trajectory, – an arc, whatever – that I’d like to follow which ends with me enmeshing all I’ve learned into a patchwork career which could be both rewarding and interesting.  Of course, it relies on a lot happening almost exactly as I imagine, but a shaky plan is quite literally infinitely more than the nothing I had before.

Because, you see, it’s hard to figure out what you want to do when you just can’t dredge up any passion for life.  Once it’s been sucked out of you and the tiniest spark of inspiration is all that’s left, you just kind of have to roll with it.  I can’t sit around and wait and think of what will light the proverbial burning fires in my soul; absolutely nothing ever will.  There will no lightning bolt, descending from the heavens to strike me with great inspiration and insight.  There is nothing but a growing gnawing darkness encircling my life since I left school, and no one’s interested in helping bring me back to the light.

Don’t get me wrong, school was a prickly place, full of self-centered braggarts who couldn’t be bothered with beings they considered lesser than themselves.  However, since then I’ve just reduced the quality and quantity of those people, not their sentiments.  At least in a place designed to foster creativity and intellectual pursuit, I could, you know, be creative and pursue intellectual activities.

So that’s it, I’m going to jump back into the pool.  Maybe I’ll find out that foreign languages aren’t my cup of tea and I’ll have to switch up after testing the waters.  Maybe it’ll be like waking up from a nightmare into a bright and shining new day.  I don’t know, and I truly, honestly, don’t care anymore.  Everyone tells me to be more decisive but rushes to make sure I second-guess myself at every turn.

I’m done second-guessing.